Yesterday I think I hit a wall, so to speak. I took to bed around 3pm and slept until 6:30.

Last night in my dream she had left a message on my answering machine and I could hear her but the battery or something died and her voice slowly got slower and deeper and garbled. In the dream I thought something like, "This is how it is."

Today I gathered more stones for The Pug's grave - it is so lovely there and Martyn will help me make some kind of chair so I can sit under the lilacs and be with Billy, and I will also place the ashes of Louie and Gracie in his grave. They are finally together. Gracie was my first cat, adopted from a NYC shelter in the '80's lived until 18. Louie was the wire hair terrier, lived 'till 14 and died here at he farm. Billy the pug - named after Billy Baker my kindergarten friend who giggled and wiggled a lot, came along when Louie and Gracie were still around. There ashes have been in the same little white boxes for years, in my bedside drawer, it never felt right to spread them. But now it is clear where to put them. When my mom's ashes come I'll put them in the grave too. I was going to make a rose area for her, but every Mother's Day I would snag some from some park for her - even shipping them one year as a joke.  I will enjoy that lilac grove- it felt so safe there the other day, as the rain came and I was covered and protected by the lilacs. Reminded me of my young years in Minnesota and we had a lilac grove where I would sit and ponder, my little five year old head dreaming and planning. I remember feeling so safe there in windy weather.