Let's Begin

My beautiful 87 year old mother died on April 4th, 2013.

The surreal and physically painful anguish of the first days and week after she died have become calmer - the grief is now just a quiet sack of sadness, a sack that I will carry for some time, hidden, as I continue to walk this realm and live my life without one of my best friends.

I am Motherless. Fatherless.

I decided to create this blog mainly for myself, but also for the others that are grieving someone. I have no real preconceived plans - because I know that I will face this like everything in my life - intuitively. I do know art will help, along with writing, tactile expressionistic encounters...and puppets. The creatures that I live with too bring me comfort along with nature - which constantly teaches me death is one part of the circle, not a dead end corner in a box [which it can feel like in the beginning of the process].

So, here I go, still wobbly, heart pretty wide open, a bit raw, but grounded - I think.

When I did barn chores this morning, I recognized that everything before me was something I had re-built or fixed or made, or nurtured. Apifera is of my heart, I found her, I brought her back to life - with the help of my husband. My mother raised me well, and because of that I somehow found Apifera and this life. And she had her life which I was a part of but her time here is now over, her tasks on Earth are done, and she did them well.

As I stood with the donkeys, I mourned into their muddy, wet necks, telling them how I felt. I had a good weep, but then a real calm came over me, and a clear thought came into my mind, and passed quickly, but it was a very clear:

"Something so magnificent is going to arise from this, you don't know what it will be, but it will arise."

I hope my ramblings here will help others feel that way in any losses they are working through.