I grew up in Minnesota and we always - ALWAYS - had Vademecum as our toothpaste. When I went off to college, I had to have my Vademecum. Moved to Oregon, had to have my mom ship me Vademecum. Then I had to order it online in the past years.

I'd recently ordered 6 tubes so I wouldn't run out. When my mom moved to Calif after my dad died, she was thrilled that the local Mexican market had Vademecum. But then they quit carrying it. She is not computer oriented, so I told her I had just ordered a bunch of it. This was a couple days before she went into hospital. I told her I'd send her some when it arrived, and she was very happy, as her little tube was squeezed to the last drop. Today my order of Vademecum arrived and I bawled like a baby.

You go along in life, you converse and carry on, you understand death but you don't know how much you will fight it in the end, the thought of it, even though you see it over and over. You must leave the party. I guess part of my acceptance of her death is letting all these inanimate objects and photos bring me to a new reality.

I must grab onto to something. I guess that tube of toothpaste was a starter.

Post Note: two weeks later when I traveled to California to help prepare her house and belongings, there was that little tube of Vademecum in her bathroom, almost empty. I wept like a baby over that toothpaste - and brought it home. At this writing there is still a small amount left in it to squeeze out.